It came from outer space: quantum teleportation to cure your ailing mutt

Date:23 January 2013 Tags:, , , ,

According to its Web site, the firm Extraterrestrial Technology was created for the Zurich Alpine Group Charitable Foundation in the Netherlands as a precursor to the emergence of its parent company, ZAG, as “the global leader in quantum computing”. Never heard of them? Well, it’s time you did. They were at CES in Las Vegas earlier this month to punt a, um, er… unique form of veterinary science that apparently relies on quantum teleportation to cure your ailing mutt.

ZAG bills itself as a private humanitarian medical research group that, in its own words, has developed a technology allowing it to change the chemistry of pharmaceuticals, supplements, herbs and chemicals into data and then quantumly teleport that data from its quantum computer to the brains of humans or animals, also quantum computers, to reprogram them for therapeutic purposes.

They also tackle matters of a more intimate nature. By downloading the company’s Heaven’s Gate Portal Access Key to your personal computer, smartphone or tablet, we’re told, you will unlock a quantum portal linked to bioinformation that flows from ZAG’s quantum computer via quantum teleportation directly to the neural network of your brain. This, according to Extraterrestrial Technology, “literally programs your brain and nervous system to experience the ultimate in sexual pleasure on a multi-dimensional basis only capable through the application of quantum physics mastery”.

Remember, you heard it here first.