Anyone but the most delusional Mills & Boon fan will confirm that sex is an embarrassing and messy business. Even the most common precursor to the act itself – the widely practised habit of osculation – involves an unseemly juxtaposition of lips and a reckless exchange of bacteria.
The fact that it’s generally quite enjoyable is (a) the result of a fortunate quirk of evolution, and (b) a golden opportunity for purveyors of er… , some of it useful and much of it bordering on the insane.
Witness the work of French inventor Georges Koussouros, who has conceived a device that gives new meaning to teledildonics, a gloriously descriptive term that made its first appearance in PM in June last year with the publication of a cover story titled “Sex With Robots”. Here’s how it works: When you plant a smacker on the KissPhone’s artificial mouth (I fear those pouting lips will haunt my dreams forever), it detects the percussion speed, pressure, temperature and sucking force of your lips.
It gets better. A pair of matching lips on the KissPhone receptor handset faithfully reproduces all these elements, allowing you to send or receive a kiss over any distance, leave or receive a kiss in answering machine mode, relay a kiss to others, download or upload kisses to the Web, or even receive a kiss from a celebrity “kiss bank” (perhaps a peck from Cameron Diaz, Daniel Craig or Julius Malema?).
By the way, the inventor is looking for similarly inventive and open-minded partners, explaining in broken English: “Alone, you are considered as tramp and you are not credible for having any work.”